


Deserving

by kinneyb



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 07:03:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8655253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinneyb/pseuds/kinneyb
Summary: Takes place right after the end of episode 6. Philip finally breaks, letting Lukas know he deserves better.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically a mess but i needed to get it up before this sunday cause duh i don't want canon to ruin it but this is kind of just me having fun cause i really need philip to stand up for himself and let lukas know, as much as he understands where he's coming from, he deserves better than what he's been offering him so far
> 
> follow me on tumblr or twitter @ woldenbeck

If Lukas thought he was going to immediately forgive him after that, he was way off the mark.

Philip appreciated it, of course, but after everything Lukas had done simply admitting the truth seemed like a weak apology. Lukas obviously thought differently; waiting patiently in the yard, ignoring Helen as she went off, eyes focused on Philip as he slowly climbed out of the truck.

"Lukas," Helen said again, a little more firm now. "We need to go down to the station and fill out a proper report of everything you saw."

Lukas finally forced his eyes away from Philip, looking at Helen dumbly. "Right."

Philip watched, almost snorting at Lukas' dumbfounded expression. Lukas really had a bad habit of acting without considering the consequences.

"We'll also need to contact your dad and explain everything," Helen continued, obviously caught up in counting things off in an invisible list in her mind. Because of that, Philip was the only one who noticed the way Lukas tensed up.

Lukas breathed out, nodding curtly. "Okay."

Philip ran his tongue over his teeth, waiting. It wasn't his place to pry. This was all on Lukas now. He rocked back and forth on his feet. He glanced at Gabe, who had gotten out of the trunk a little after him, and felt relieved when he smiled warmly back at him.

"But," Lukas said suddenly, his voice scratchy and immediately giving away his nervousness. Philip yanked his eyes off Gabe just in time to see Lukas look at him, eyes wide and pleading. "Can I have a second with Philip first?"

Helen did no job of hiding her hesitation but before she could say no Gabe was touching her by the arm, assuring her they'd be fine for just a few minutes. She looked at Philip one last time with something he was pretty sure resembled guilt before walking off with Gabe.

"Philip - " was the first thing out of Lukas' mouth once they were out of sight.

He could feel his chest do that terrible fluttering thing at hearing Lukas' voice soft and gentle for the first time in days. He pushed the feeling back, buried it.

Looking up, he clenched his jaw. "Fuck off."

"You're mad."

Philip nearly laughed. Standing his ground, he pushed his shoulders back and puffed out his chest. "You think I'm an idiot. No, that's not right." Philip shook his head, a strangled laugh escaping his lips. "You think I'm a pushover."

Lukas didn't say anything - smart boy.

"But more than that you think I don't understand," Philip continued in a hiss. "Do you think one day I just woke up and realized I was gay and everything was fine? You think I wasn't scared? That I didn't suffer for months thinking my mom might reject me? Or that if people at school found out I wouldn't be ridiculed?"

Lukas stared, unmoving and silent.

"I never wanted to push you to out yourself, Lukas. I just wanted some form of the truth." He yanked his fingers through his hair, stepping back. "The smallest fucking bit of truth from you but not... not like this. Not because you were forced to."

"Philip - "

He was getting tired of hearing that. "Lukas, just - just go with Helen. Fill out the report."

Lukas lingered for a moment longer. "Philip, I - " But then he stopped, looking defeated. "Okay."

Philip watched as Lukas walked with Helen to her jeep, feeling Gabe's eyes on him not long after. Fiddling with his hands, he turned and looked at him. "I didn't lie." He swallowed the lump in his throat, tilting his chin up with newfound confidence. "About anything."

"Is it him?"

Philip slowly lowered his chin. "What?" Then he got it, his heart warming. "Yeah."

***

When Philip saw Lukas next, he was admittedly a little relieved he looked okay. He wasn't so sure how Lukas would handle it - telling the truth after all this time. Well, the partial truth but it was still progress nevertheless.

But when Lukas actually approached him, he tried looking unaffected. "Hey."

He stared at his feet - well, his boots - like they were the most interesting thing in the world. Or at least more interesting than Lukas. He heard Lukas sit near him, listened as he rubbed his hands up and down his jeans probably to rid his palms of sweat.

"I told my dad."

Philip hummed, barely looking up. He couldn't help asking though, no matter how mad he was or how much he needed Lukas to know it - needed Lukas to know he couldn't keep this up. He couldn't keep treating him like this. "How'd it go?"

"It was... okay," Lukas' voice was soft before suddenly growing bolder. "Philip, look at me."

Slowly he looked up, focusing on Lukas' face. He looked surprisingly calm.

"I fucked up," Lukas said, slow and steady like he was really thinking his words through. "I've been fucking up since the moment I met you. But I'm trying here - " he extended his arms out, gesturing lightly with his hands " - for you."

Philip sucked his bottom lip in, chewing on the chapped skin. "You're doing it again."

Lukas' arms dropped almost instantly. "What?"

"This is a cycle, Lukas," Philip stood up suddenly. "You do something terrible, you lie, you hurt me then you think you can turn around and say something pretty and I'll forgive you." He didn't really know why but he felt like crying. "I - I deserve better."

When he turned to walk off the porch, he wasn't too surprised by Lukas grabbing his arm.

"I'm trying," he repeated. "Can't you appreciate that?"

Philip turned on his heels so fast he almost tripped, getting up in Lukas' face. His mind briefly jumped back to the last time he'd done the same thing but with wildly different intentions. "I don't have to appreciate shit from you, Lukas. Not after this - not after everything."

"But you should," Lukas replied, voice a little higher.

"Stop making this about me," Philip was vaguely surprised by how loud his voice was, overpowering Lukas' easily. "I don't owe you - I don't owe anyone shit. And the idea that I do is what put me in this situation in the first place."

For the first time Philip was the one pushing Lukas. He used the time Lukas was stumbling and surprised to jog off the porch.

***

Philip eventually had to go back, he knew that, but he stayed out for as long as he thought reasonable - two or three hours - before trudging back. He was surprised when he entered the house and saw Lukas sitting at the table.

He narrowed his eyes.

"Hey," Helen appeared from around the corner. "He's been waiting for you for - "

Lukas licked his lips, interrupting her. "Philip, can we talk?"

Philip wanted to tell him to fuck off but decided against it with Helen standing so close. Yanking his fingers through his hair, he started for his bedroom, calling over his shoulder: "Fine."

When they got to his room, he closed the door.

"I thought we already talked earlier," he said simply, plopping on the side of his bed.

Lukas joined him, keeping a distance between them. "You're right."

Philip's nose crinkled. He hadn't been expecting that. "What?"

"I don't mean to," Lukas continued in a soft voice. "I just - I act on instinct so much. I don't think." He paused, shaking his head. "But that's no excuse. You're..." He smiled a bit, slow and hesitant. "You're amazing, Philip. You do deserve better."

Philip glanced at Lukas, a warm tight feeling settling in his stomach. "Oh."

"But I can be that better." Lukas scooted closer. "I can. Not all at once but I am trying, Philip."

He thought about what Gabe said about love, focused on the almost painful tightness in his stomach. Reaching up, he cupped Lukas' face and really looked at him. Philip was sometimes surprised Lukas could keep up so many secrets when his eyes - wide and blue as the sky - gave away everything.

"I know." He said, brushing his thumbs over Lukas' cheekbones. "And I want to be there for you."

Lukas cracked a smile, all nerves. "So."

"I forgive you," Philip breathed, pretty sure he was just as relieved as Lukas. "But you can't keep playing me, Lukas." He squeezed his face just barely. "I don't expect everything out of you but I need your best."

Lukas' smile grew a bit more confident, more sure of himself. "I promise."

Philip smiled back, sealing the promise with a kiss seconds later.


End file.
